Saturday, May 30, 2009

Vital burgers

Contribution! This is from a friend who doesn't have a job, and therefore I let her post about random ordering - it was still during the daytime. Apply to me for translation if needed!

Have a gripe about the otherwisely wonderful Burger Kitchen (and Vital, they're in on this too). Homalletnein have the same parent company, Sage somethingorother, and are in fact open in the same location.
The order guy at Burger Kitchen has my number, of course, but this time I'm ordering from a new location so I carefully dictate the address, directions included - it takes some time. I ask for my burgers and then order a salad belmarra for the 3asafeer. They used to allow it (probably since they use the same kitchen); 3ala my luck el wesekh they changed their minds on a day I was especially hungry and therefore impatient. You can imagine my state of mind when the following habal ensued.
He informs me that I have to call the other number, and when I protest he tells me they're now a 'separate company.'
'No they're not.'
'Well, they're a separate restaurant.'
'Run by the same company.'
'In a different location.'
'..the same flat?'
'But a different kitchen!'
'No. But they have a different phone line and a, a different computer!' he says, triumphant.
Whatever. I slam the receiver down and dial Vital's number, which differs by one digit.
'Vital ma3 7adretak howmayIhelpyou?'
'It's you again? I want to add that salad to my order!'
'What is the phone number please?'
'But I was just on the phone with you! And you have caller ID!'
'Ok, ok, what is the address please?'
'I just gave you the fucking address!'
'No, but this is a new order and I please I needtheaddressplease'
I was about to literally blow my top, but counted to ten instead. Through gritted teeth, I manage, 'Is-the-address-from-the-BurgerKitchen-order-still-on-the-screen-in-front-of-you?'
The madness went on for some time, but eventually I terrorised him so much that he did everything I told him to, despite informing me (by this point in a whimper) that this was againsttherulesnowit'saseparatecompanyaseparatecompany like some robotic mantra. The poor bastard had shorted his brains out, caught between the devil and the deep blue sea of 7omoreyya that is Burger Kitchen/Vital's ordering system.
Fuckers. If it's the same fucking guy taking the orders for the same fucking customers, for food coming out of the same fucking kitchen then for fuck's sake get the same fucking number and quit this insanely bureaucratic fein wednak ya Go7a bullshit.

Thursday, May 28, 2009


Sorry folks. Ordered different things though. Also, I have a new officemate now, Dettol Girl, who is wildly germo-phobic, has a sensitive stomach and is afraid of food, by her own admission. However, I prevailed on her to order with me. I called Subway and said I wanted a wrap. This was a word the guy who answered the phone had never heard before. I shouted it but that did not help. Eventually I pointed it out on the menu, at which point he announced they didn’t have any. Also, the only cheese they have is something called White American. I pictured it in giant shorts and a farmer’s tan for a second. Dettol Girl ordered the Veggie Delite sandwich (I can’t believe they’ve trademarked that phrase) except without any of the veggies due to her fear of insufficient washing, and with extra cheese. She says she doesn’t want to eat protein – I heaved a deep sigh. Only olives and jalapenos made the cut and she picked them off. Thus, she did not feel like the L.E. 14 was a worthwhile investment, although she said the sandwich was good and gave it two thumbs up.

I had the spicy Italian in brown bread with lettuce, tomatoes, onions and jalapenos. Exciting stuff, isn’t it? It was pretty good. The lettuce was shredded though, which just makes things icky when it combines with the mayonnaise (forgot to prohibit) and mustard. A word about mustard: I understand the following is an unorthodox, nay, a heretical view to most, but I just do not like it. No. Nein. You can’t make me. I do however stock it in my house in various forms for my friends, who use it to make salad dressings, grotesquely. The sandwich was slightly under-cheesed, however, and not nearly as attractively stuffed as in the picture. I still believe in food pictures on menus apparently.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


I specifically ordered food today so as not to lose the momentum from yesterday (thank you, Arabist). Sometimes I just subsist on coffee and a piece of fruit all day. I know it’s bad for me. The fruit is the concession I made to that. So yeah.
First I asked if anyone wanted to order food with me; one of the responses I received was “la2, batalna nakol khalas.” I was silent. Further questioning revealed that she brought her own lunch. This, I think, is quite a different thing.
I solicited lunch suggestions from friends, my menu store being thin right now. One suggestion was koshari – immediately followed by: “If you did that you would spend all night groaning, and clutching your stomach with gas pains. Also, I do not relish the prospect of spending the night smelling your moist koshari farts.” In deference to this pimp expression I did not order koshari, which totally wipes out a work day, anyway.
I ordered from Arabica. I’ve eaten food from there often, but stopped getting it delivered due to two deeply maddening practices:
  1. When you order wraps in the restaurant, they bring you awesome potatoes. They do not when you get them delivered, unless your order the potatoes separately. The price is the same. You can imagine how apoplectic this makes me.
  2. When you get soups delivered they won’t bring you the croutons they serve you in the store. Less of an issue.
When I complained about this I received the inspired response that when you dine in, the potatoes and croutons are complimentary. Buncha crooks!

Anyway. Menu dearth. I figured I would try their pasta, which has only relatively recently been added to the menu. I had the creatively named “chicken pasta”, alleging to have chicken, mushrooms and beef bacon. I substituted pomodoro sauce for alfredo sauce (asking for “red sauce” did not achieve the desired result). He asked me if I wanted mozzarella, and I hesitated, and asked for it on the side. He assured me it would be mixed in, not just in a lump, so I acquiesced. Wish they had parmesan.

The food arrived at a reasonable time costing a whopping L.E. 44. The pasta itself cost L.E. 32, and the mozzarella was NINE POUNDS. Welad el a7abi! L.E. 3 delivery. Did not tip (I hate tipping in general).

It was a large portion – and that ends my list of pros. There sauce was too sharply tomato-ey; the mushrooms canned; the mozzarella in congealed, fatty lumps; the chicken fibrous and dry; and the beef bacon absent. As was anything in the garlic family. Fuck them with sharp sticks.

Don’t do this shit.

(By the way, feel free to email me your reviews. Because it’s only one Delivery douche right now.)

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Eat fresh - but also, all meats are halaal

Back to practicing law, and ordering food. Just me this time though – but Mystic Mo wasn’t too helpful really, not being completely in touch with mere food.
Today I ordered from Subway, newly opened in Zamalek on Yehia Ibrahim St. I happened to pass there with a friend at perhaps midnight last week, and when I stepped in to get a menu I was eagerly greeted by an elderly white-mustached man, who asked us cautiously if we were familiar with Subway and then launched into English immediately. He handed me a menu without prices. Sandwiches cost from L.E. 16-18 for a six-inch though. They don’t charge taxes, but there’s an L.E. 5 delivery charge.
The menu contains absolutely no spelling mistakes – chilling. Oh, wait, at the bottom they spelled “Jordan” as “Jordon” which is just better.
I ordered a tuna sub with tomatoes, green peppers, jalapenos and onions, no cheese, brown bread. This is exactly what arrived, to my astonishment. Ingredients were fresh, but the tuna was quite a bit over-mayonnaised (oh most dastardly of substances). Perhaps I can talk them into taking it down a notch – although my attempts to influence Casper and Gambini’s increasingly poor food and service met with no success.

There’s quite a bit less to write about one person ordering, isn’t there. Trying to break my writer’s block though, so it might be best to take it easy.