So I’m taking time out of a very busy day at work to express my hatred and possible boycott of Munch and Bagel. Zamalekites and foreigners are probably familiar by now with the first real bagel place Egypt has ever known, located on Taha Hussein St. I’ve been a big fan and a regular customer since they opened, but will have to desist, because they can SUCK IT.
But first the facts: today I had a sesame bagel, with turkey, cheese, lettuce, tomato and jalapenos on it. Additionally, all the components of the sandwich were as requested, an infrequent event. Last week, which I shall also include in this review, my buddy and I each had a tuna salad sandwich on a baguette. We were actually there to supervise the addition of toppings, so there were no mistakes, although I did have to ask that unwanted olives be removed from my sandwich.
So, forms of suckage:
1. The price. When this place opened some 6 months ago, their sandwiches – tuna and turkey for example – cost L.E. 14. Now they cost L.E. 21. What kind of gold ass shit are they putting in there? Is it their pet tuna fish? And the delivery charge – even though I am nearly spitting distance from the store – is L.E. 7. So, nearly L.E. 30 for a goddamn bagel. (Searching head for pun that will involve bagel holes and mother’s vaginas and failing. Let me have half a mark for thought filth.) And I’m guessing Egypt’s 56 bagel lovers will continue to pay these prices, since there is no competition, and because they’re probably rich. But NIET! Fruit it is. Those crooks.
3. Bread and cheese. Their baguettes crumble everywhere and flake, and they also slice them all the way through so the filling falls all over your life. Taste good though. The only cheese they have is some nasty processed plastic-wrapped stuff that they refer to as American cheese. Is that really what Americans are passing off as the energy-intensive food of the bovine gods? I hope not.
Me: Have you considered getting cucumber slices? I mean you have all the other vegetables. They’re nice with cream cheese.
Him: We have these home-made sweet cucumber pickles.
Me: Yeah, but they’re pickles, they’re not the same as fresh cucumbers.
Him: We have home-made sweet cucumber pickles, so…
And I see them putting that nasty shit in people’s salads! I’ve had similar conversations about potato chips. To my mind, a cold sandwich should come with chips. Would it be so much trouble to have a couple boxes of chips in there? When I asked I got a look that left me in no doubt that I was hopelessly provincial and possibly a little handicapped. Chips. How VULGAR.
Another conversation with el khawaga:
Me: Actually, I had it last time and didn’t like it. It tastes bitter. I think there might have been something wrong with the machine.
Him: It’s American filter coffee. Perhaps you’re not used to it.
Me: Yes, I know what it is. I still think something is wrong with it.
It’s foul. Really. That’s number 4: the urine of Satan for like L.E. 10. And the baked goods are wa7asha. Taste like flour.
So in conclusion, join me in my epic battle! Complain about prices! Ask for chips and cucumbers! Pee symbolically in the coffee pot!