Sunday, January 23, 2011

I'll munch YOUR bagel. Ya nassaab.

Word has been reaching me of the continued fanhood of this blog. I've heard friends are actually boasting to people that they know me, and giving them inside information as to my current diet. “Yes! She told me she had two bananas today!” I’m still on the fruit, but every now and then I eat lunches when it’s going to be too long until dinner. Also, I’ve decided to blog about all delivery, not just at work! It’s kind of my tribute to Egypt. Because the food delivery is basically the only remaining thing I like about the place.
So I’m taking time out of a very busy day at work to express my hatred and possible boycott of Munch and Bagel. Zamalekites and foreigners are probably familiar by now with the first real bagel place Egypt has ever known, located on Taha Hussein St. I’ve been a big fan and a regular customer since they opened, but will have to desist, because they can SUCK IT.
But first the facts: today I had a sesame bagel, with turkey, cheese, lettuce, tomato and jalapenos on it. Additionally, all the components of the sandwich were as requested, an infrequent event. Last week, which I shall also include in this review, my buddy and I each had a tuna salad sandwich on a baguette. We were actually there to supervise the addition of toppings, so there were no mistakes, although I did have to ask that unwanted olives be removed from my sandwich.

So, forms of suckage:
1. The price. When this place opened some 6 months ago, their sandwiches – tuna and turkey for example – cost L.E. 14. Now they cost L.E. 21. What kind of gold ass shit are they putting in there? Is it their pet tuna fish? And the delivery charge – even though I am nearly spitting distance from the store – is L.E. 7. So, nearly L.E. 30 for a goddamn bagel. (Searching head for pun that will involve bagel holes and mother’s vaginas and failing. Let me have half a mark for thought filth.) And I’m guessing Egypt’s 56 bagel lovers will continue to pay these prices, since there is no competition, and because they’re probably rich. But NIET! Fruit it is. Those crooks.
2. Toasting and slicing. The bagel I had was untoasted – no matter how many times I ask them to toast the bagels they do not – but was, to my massive surprise, actually sliced. They NEVER slice when I ask them to.

3. Bread and cheese. Their baguettes crumble everywhere and flake, and they also slice them all the way through so the filling falls all over your life. Taste good though. The only cheese they have is some nasty processed plastic-wrapped stuff that they refer to as American cheese. Is that really what Americans are passing off as the energy-intensive food of the bovine gods? I hope not.
4. Customer service. The store seems to be owned by an Egyptian-American dude and his Eastern European wife. The wife seems nice enough, although she never smiles. However, the Egyptian-American dude never speaks Arabic to customers, even when they speak it to him, which is rude and affected. So, they have everyone else who works there speak English all the time too, which is also confusing because to be honest some of their accents are too thick for me to understand what they mean. Also, the owner takes feedback very poorly. Conversations I have had:

Me: Have you considered getting cucumber slices? I mean you have all the other vegetables. They’re nice with cream cheese.
Him: We have these home-made sweet cucumber pickles.
Me: Yeah, but they’re pickles, they’re not the same as fresh cucumbers.
Him: We have home-made sweet cucumber pickles, so…

And I see them putting that nasty shit in people’s salads! I’ve had similar conversations about potato chips. To my mind, a cold sandwich should come with chips. Would it be so much trouble to have a couple boxes of chips in there? When I asked I got a look that left me in no doubt that I was hopelessly provincial and possibly a little handicapped. Chips. How VULGAR.
Another conversation with el khawaga:
Him: Would you like coffee?
Me: Actually, I had it last time and didn’t like it. It tastes bitter. I think there might have been something wrong with the machine.
Him: It’s American filter coffee. Perhaps you’re not used to it.
Me: Yes, I know what it is. I still think something is wrong with it.

It’s foul. Really. That’s number 4: the urine of Satan for like L.E. 10. And the baked goods are wa7asha. Taste like flour.

So in conclusion, join me in my epic battle! Complain about prices! Ask for chips and cucumbers! Pee symbolically in the coffee pot!


Anonymous said...

I'm in

mariamali7 said...

Hilarious! They do need cukes and the owner did seem a bit much. I gotta say though, the couple of times I've ordered this it tasted pretty good (at least it was a proper bagel).
But I prefer Jared's - who were actually the first bagel place to open in Cairo, not MunchNBagel. We're not counting EuroDeli, because their bagels just aren't.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for starting to write again. You had gone dead on my google reader, and I forgot you existed. Glad you're back.

Yasmine said...

Wow, I have not came across your blog for almost 3 years! I actually can not remember your content I just remembered you as the non-muslim egyptian... anyways...

how is the diet and how is it working. I'm really into diets now, not any in particular just into better eating for me. I never ate junk food so i never really understood why I stayed the same I never gained but then i never lost even if I exercised. So i started to make some moderations to my eating:

i basically eat very small portions, avoid carbs such as pastas breads, tortillas, and eat lots of veggies, and fruits. I have lots alot of weight and can fit into clothes i wore in high school (pants!!! size 3-4) So I am back at size 3 from a size 6-7.

LeAnne said...

I met the owner when the branch in Maadi opened; however, I continue to be disappointed. I do love the tuna, but the fact that there are NEVER onion bagels is annoying. What's more frustrating is that when I order via Otlob, usually, they fail to tell me there's no onion bagel and just give me whatever they decided I would like. When I confronted the owner about this, he swore it would be rectified. I'm thinking, if you run out of a particular bagel only one hour after opening that the business sense in you would say, "Hey, make some more of that bagel and less of the least sold." Obviously that common sense has eluded him. On top of that, I also get additional toppings that I never once requested. I boycotted for awhile but then revived it today when all I really want is just that: tuna on a bagel. *sigh*

Anonymous said...

have you tried Sunnysideup, they have the best omelet bagels ve ever tried